I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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