Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
