all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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