Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
