the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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