Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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