NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
