One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
