I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You're earring is so big in my mouth
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
