I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
