I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
