I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
