my phone needs a breathalizer
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
