nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
