I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
