I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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