I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
