Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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