When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
