What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
