I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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