Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
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Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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