Just fell off a train. Bad.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
