Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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