dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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