I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize