Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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