Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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