Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
