I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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