I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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