I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
