I want to stick my p in your. b.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
