You made me cry and you don't even care
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
