Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
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Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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