Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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