Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
