Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
