I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
