I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
