I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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