yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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