oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
