After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In America we eat man semen.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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