She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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