I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
