I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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