There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
