If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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