I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
