Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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