if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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