There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
