hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
