I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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