conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Found your dick twin last night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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