I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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