Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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