They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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