I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
