I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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