I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
