If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
