Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
