Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
